True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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