okay pat passed out under dana's car
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
