you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
