if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
