i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My vagina just clenched in fear
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
