My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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