yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
