he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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