You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
