I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
