the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize