Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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