Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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