I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
