i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
