i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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