Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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