he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
