Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize