I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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