Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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