I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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