i think my tv is drunk
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize