had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I party with great urgency now.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
