its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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