I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Randomize
