I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize