A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
