I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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