FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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