apparently the secret to your success is patron
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
