sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
