I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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