u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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