Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
