He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
