I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
