Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
