The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
