um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
