see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
