I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
