I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
