Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
