At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
