saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
