Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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