tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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