dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
