I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
