You smell like stripper and shame
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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