did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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