If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She told me I should be a condom model.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
