i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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