Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
