that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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