There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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