I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
