Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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