im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
