He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
