All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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