did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
