so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
